The Real Farmville

If nurse doesn't actually look up the local statutes regarding the drunk driving of farm equipment, then those statutes simply cannot hurt her. Any questions?


Neo nurse

if i can't have the chrysler building, this may well be the next best thing. If only someone could come up with a giant martini olive to complete the composition.


Wu wei

Look at Sid. He is really one of the good ones, and effortlessly mixes a killer Brandy Alexander, to boot. Equal parts brandy, creme de cacao and heavy cream, and don't be stingy with the nutmeg. Let's all drink heavy cream, and be merry.


I'm telling you, you really can't trust frogs. If they're not driving you mental with their secret singing abilities, they're bogarting the woodford reserve, or trying to take the last tangerine.

kristmas kartoons

let it be a lesson to us all.


they've ruined christmas

Company Tests Pill for Alcoholics - The Daily Beast

Ok. sure. let's just put all the hardworking brewery owners and barmaids and rehab clinic owners and hangover nurses and liver specialists and paddy wagon drivers and MADD employees in the poor house. thanks science. you've done it again.

I'm Churchill, they're the evil Nazis

I shall fight them on the beaches, I shall fight them on the landing grounds, I shall fight them in the fields and the streets, I shall fight them in the hills; I shall never surrender


having this much talent can be a burden sometimes

if you do the patented hangovernurse dance of the christmas angels correctly, Santa will hop out of a nearby taxi and give you a hug. His breath is going to smell very strongly of malt liquor, but give the guy a break, ok???



Bill Wilson, the co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, certainly was an odd bird. Did you know that he was a dedicated acid-head? From an article at Modern Drunkard Magazine (

One of his therapeutic journeys lead him to Trabuco College in California, and the friendship of the college’s founder, Aldous Huxley. The author of Brave New World and The Doors of Perception introduced Wilson to LSD-25. The drug rocked Wilson’s world. He thought of it as something of a miracle substance and continued taking it well into the ‘60s. As he approached his 70th birthday, he developed a plan to have LSD distributed at all AA meetings nationwide. The plan was eventually quashed by more rational voices, and a few years later the Federal government made the point moot by making the drug illegal. (That Wilson’s plan was shot down is probably fortunate. LSD is a beautiful thing, but nothing sounds more horrifying to me than a roomful of chain-smoking, frightened, needy drunks tripping their heads off in the basement of the local Y.)

I love the holiday season

I'm just going to finish this glass of baileys, unpack my Chinese foot-binding equipment, and start rehearsing technique with this specially designed bone crushing mallet.

Then it's time to bake cake.


all the better cultural ideas spring from early morning drinking

let's make the Krampus part of our north american holiday tradition. is there anything our children deserve more than a good scaring, and possibly a whipping with chains?

morning coffee benefits from baileys

"What I am saying does not mean that there will henceforth be no form in art. It only means that there will be a new form, and that this form will be of such a type that it admits the chaos and does not try to say that the chaos is really something else. . . To find a form that accommodates the mess, that is the task of the artist now."

-S. Beckett, from "Beckett at the Madeleine," in The Columbia University Forum, Summer 1961


in case you were wondering, anyone can be an art director. Metafrog!

socialist swine

i love you dearly canada, but can't we reconsider the coinage? it does so clutter up the bar.


planned obsolescences

It's important to make use of certain things before they've gone and disappeared forever



Angry at the world? take a deep breath, and whip up a nice pot of soup for yourself. this special hangover nurse concoction goes by the name of Italian Divorce.

Step 1: have at least 3 cocktails.
2. teeter on over to the grocery store. don't bother with a list; you'll remember everything.
3. arrive home somehow, you won't remember how. find the largest pot available and fill it with water. set it to boil. has a massive pot of boiling water ever not come in handy?
4. start chopping whatever it is that is in those shopping bags. throw everything in the pot. add something from each condiment bottle in the fridge; it'll all come out in the wash.
5. cue loud opera music.
6. pass out, probably; just be sure to leave the soup cooking on the stove so that your loved ones can partake whenever they get home that evening, if indeed they do. Who the hell knows with people anymore.



shove it in your pie hole

The nurse loathes eating at a table in a restaurant. Every single element of public mastication is dramatically improved when one makes the prudent decision to eat at the bar. Consider it: the bartender is pleased to be on the receiving end of a healthier tip. There is no awkward interaction with unhappy waitstaff. One needn't face one's companion directly, thereby mitigating social discomfort. Most importantly, however? One is nearest to what is, and always shall be, dearest.